User blog comment:King of the nerds 2/A skyrim story written by parthurnax/@comment-5469467-20151206085640

I hate to say this, but this story needs a lot of work. I've written some feedback, which covers most of the glaring points. Now, don't be discouraged from writing; it can be hard going, as I learned myself. But you need to constantly try to be the best writer you can, and I'm afraid you'll need to pick up your game if you want people to enjoy it. But fear not, for feedback can do wonders for a story and its writer.

1. Paragraphs. Don't put everything into a single paragraph. Divide your story into a number of parargraphs, so we're not just trying to navigate a giant block of text. I'd also recommend ensuring that at no point are two characters talking on the same line. Separate dialogue into paragraps for each person talking, even if it's a single line or sentence. For example;

''"How do you do?" asked the first man.''

''"I'm doing well," the second answered. "Yourself?"''

"I've been better."

This is much easier to read than;

''"How do you do?" asked the first man. "I'm doing well," the second answered. "Yourself?" "I've been better."''

2. Spelling and grammar. Spelling isn't too bad, but grammar is an issue. Your use of capitals at the beginning of sentences is inconsistent, which exacerbates the 'wall of text' problem. There is some use, which is good, but you need to go all the way and use it across the whole story. Place names, such as Skyrim or Whiterun, also typically warrant the use of a capital letter. I'm pretty sure Dragonborn also deserves a capital.

'3. "Fus Ro Dah!" "Oh sorry whiterun guard"'

Here you have two sentences from the same character, separated by quotation marks for no discernable reason. If you're not going to have something between those sentences (such as 'roared the Dragonborn'), don't split them.

4. said the dragonborn, who now used his time to play and prank the people of skyrim

This is what TV Tropes refers to as an informed attribute. You're telling us something we're not necessarily going to see in action. If he's going to prank the people of Skyrim, show him doing that. Don't just tell us that he does that.

But if you must do it (considering this is a short story, you've not got a lot of room for it), at least make it a little more subtle. If I had to write that line, I'd do it like this;

said the Dragonborn, ever the trickster.

5. Said the dragonborn who shall now be called VH, even though he is not a vault hunter.

This is very, very, very clumsy. I don't know what a vault hunter is, where the term originated, how it applies to Elder Scrolls lore, or why it's so important that it eclipses the fact that the character in question is the Dragonborn. You've made no effort to introduce the concept or how it applies here, if it does at all.

The fact that you're admitting that this character is being called a vault hunter despite not being one means you've already made it completely pointless. Honestly; just get rid of it. There is no reason for it, it makes things confusing (after all, you're abruptly renaming the protagonist in the middle of the story), and everyone will better identify the name 'Dragonborn' anyway.

6. ''Said Jerry the funniest town guard, now I know what your thinking " why are there names for guards and what importance is Jerry", trust me Jerrys important. Now back to the pranking and obnoxious VH''

You need to be much more careful if you're going to break the fourth wall (i.e. refer to the audience directly). Not a good idea to use the same style as character dialogue to do it; it's just confusing, especially when you've got everything crammed into one paragraph. It also comes across as very... conversational and informal. A bit jarring, so I'd recommend getting rid of this part as well.

In any case, it's also not a good idea to tell us as an audience directly that a character is important; again, show us how important he is. The fact that this character has been named specifically, and not just referred to as a generic guard, is already an indication of this.

Also, it should be 'you're' instead of 'your'. A small thing, I know, but this sort of thing makes a huge difference. It shows that you not only have that fundamental knowledge of English, but also took the time to ensure you've not made what can be a very easy mistake. Thankfully, it's not hard to tell the difference between the two works once you know it;

- 'Your' refers to a quality or possession of someone. Your house. Your personality. Your knowledge.

- 'You're' is the same as 'you are'. You're currently reading this post.

6. "let me guess I stole a sweet ro-" "the mad sweet roll stealer finally, but why VH,why" "Me ?steal? Now that madness Hahahuhuh"

Very easy to lose track of who's speaking here. Would be helped greatly by following point 1, and making sure you include mention of who is talking. You don't always have to do this, but it's vital to ensure that if you do it's clear who is talking. Best done when it's only two characters.

Pro Tip: You can do more than just 'he said / replied / answered / promised / etc.'. You could have some actions in there, which serves the same purpose;

''The second man turned his head, and rasied an eyebrow. "How so?"''

7. 'Said the insane Cicero acting VH'

What? Where did Cicero come from? Was he there all along? Did he just appear out of nowhere? What does 'acting' someone mean? Is Cicero disguised as the Dragonborn? Is Cicero imitating the Dragonborn? You need more detail if you're going to bring in a new character.

8. "because I want to make a wooden cariage put sweet rolls in it and say "kids get in the carriage I have sweets" and bring joy to the world."

Now, here you've used a separate set of quotation marks inside another set. Very difficult to read. You should always use single quotes inside of double ones. That would make the above line into;

"because I want to make a wooden cariage put sweet rolls in it and say 'kids get in the carriage I have sweets' and bring joy to the world."

There's probably more I could point out, but that should get you started. If you can get these right, it should make your work just that bit more credible.