User blog:Madman97/You know what really grinds my Wabbajack's? The Jarls.

Hello again everyone and welcome to another rant within the series. Quick announcment, if anyone is interested in seeing anymore rants, just click on my profile and find them under blog, you will see many more hilarious topics. But for now, let's dive right in.

Jarls. Royalty, Powerful, Leaders of the People! They are responisble for the safety of their holds and the well being of their people. That's good. I can't wait to meet them! Yo Jarl Balgruff! He is the Man! I can't wait to see what all the other Jarls are like!

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Who the F*** are these people? Oh sorry, I was under the impression that the Jarls are actually important and actually pay attention to what happens in their realms. Could I see the real Jarl please?...No? Your the Jarl?

...I'm confused.

This is what basically happened when I saw all the other Jarls. Jarl Balgruff in Whiterun was awesome. In fact, he is the only Jarl on the list who actually does his job well. I almost feel sorry I joined the Stormcloaks and made him lose his job. Almost. Balgruff was a good Jarl. He cared what was going on. BUT THESE OTHER A-HOLES?!?!?! What the heck is with these people? Every one of them are complete chumps!

Let's see, who is one the list?

The Pale-Skald

Falkreath Hold-Siddgeir

The Reach-Igmund

Hjaalmarch-Idgrod RavenCrone

The Rift-Laila Law-Giver

Haafingar-Elisif the Fair

Whiterun Hold-Balgruff the Greater

Eastmarch-Ulfric Stormcloak

Winterhold-Korir

Okay, what is wrong with all o these terrible people. Note that this line up is before you conmplete the civil war quest, so your list may be different, but they're still @$$holes anyway.

Alright, who's first? Skald. Elderly Nord who is often considered to old and grumpy for his position. He spends the entire day from 8:00 AM to his midnight bedtime on his throne and belittling his court. This is a prime example of the uselessness of the Jarls. This guy is a douche, his own people don't even like him, and he does nothing but talk about he has been Jarl for thirty five years! The only time when he is not on his throne is when you visit Dawnstar for the first time, and he is a heated argument with one of his servants. What a d***.

Siddgeir. This guy is one piece of work. He claims to have disposed of his uncle from the Jarl position, and is unscrupulous about having a working relationship with bandits. HE only uses his position to reap the benifets. Now, hold on a sec. This is a good thing. Why? Because in game, the Jarls are not nearly this interesting as a whole. YEs, this is good. Have political scandal! Have schemeing and coniving jarls, like a Skyrim Game of Thrones! Sadly, you don't go into it with this guy. All he does is brag about it and is a douche. I give him the Honorary Dragonborn Middle Finger Salute.

Igmund. These days, Igmund doesn't get out of the palace to often, even when there is a Forsworn Rebellion going on in his very city. Apparently, he has quite a noble history. When the Thalmor invaded during the Great War, legionnaires in Markarth were recalled. The forsworn then attacked, and the city temporarily fell before the Empire sought to reclaim it again, forming it's ow militia and promising religious freedom. Ulfric was one of the militia. However the Thalmor found out about it, and forced Igmund's father to turn him over. After he was murdered by Forsworn, his son Igmund took up the Jarl's position. Now, I am sure he will do his best to lie up to his father's sacrifice to preserve the peace within the Empire...Nope. He just sits around and complains about the Stormcloaks while the Forsworn are breaking out of prison in his gates. Instead of actually acting upon his complaints, he leaves the work to his Empire underlings, whom were promptly slaughtered by Stormcloaks on our glorious take-over of Skyrim.

Idgrod Ravencrone. Crone is right. Apparently she can see  visions of the future and like Skald, she is not very popular in her own people's hearts. While she blatantyl ignores her duties as Jarls, what with the Dragons returning and the Civil War, she ignores the opinions of her people, relying instead on her crackpot visions. Didn't see me throwing you in a palace basement did ya?

Laila Law-Giver. This is one of those chicks who try to cover everything that goes wrong up, and I respect her for trying to keep the peace. For example, if asked about the Theives Guild, she states that there is nothing wrong and they arn't even a problem, or claiming that her son is mad for no supporting Ulfric and has her wizard determine the cause of his so called "disease." Now, covering up things is an interesting idea. But God, at least try to make it in depth. I want to see people snuffed out for asking to many questions. I want to see the Jarl go nuts over conspiracies and trying to keep the populace from knowing the truth, not a simple, "Oh nothing is wrong!" I want to feel that scary vibe you see in some movies where you get the sense that while everything appears normal, something is very wrong, like if you start to dig around, there will be consequences. Like if someone asks questions, they will dissapear. Another watsed oppurtunity of a Jarl, a chick who just comes off as B****y.

Elisif the Fair. Yeah, I guess she is pretty hot. But God, she is the Sansa of Skyrim, you know, the chick who is alway's getting kicked around and does absolutley nothing about it? I want to see her do something! I want to see some attitude, you know, women empowerment and that sh**. Another wasted Jarl! At least she voices her concerns to you when you become Jarl. But, she is still not a very good Jarl. While rumors go around she will try and take power for herself, she does absoluttley nothing. She also has a blatant disregard for resources, as when you first arrive you can see her telling a citizen that she will send a whole squad of soldiers to a cave that is making "Strange noises" while her servants tell her it would be best to send a scout or two instead. Again, another great oppurtunity for Bethesda to take advantage of. A lone Jarl who wants to become queen. Conspiracy, scandal, all that crap. It would have been golden! But sadly, she is passed by as a whiny baby.

Balggruf the Greater. Alright, who doesn't like this guy? Yeah his kids talk down to you, and I have tried to kill them once or twice, but this guy is legit. He is the only one who actually tries to do something about the dragons, even helping you capture one, if you havn't overthrown him yet, and is divided in the war. While the Empire will state he is loyal to them, he will also say he still worships Talos in private and supports the Nords as well. He is a good family man, and worries about his hold. Sure, he may sit around a lot, but at least he specifies what exactly you need to do and how it will benifet them. Not the little sissy bounty crap they give you in other holds, and he is genuinly happy to see you if you get on his good side. This is a Jarl, ladies and dragonborns.

Now we come to the big one, Ulfric. This Jarl, to gamers, is almost universally controversal and debated about. While his cause to free the Nordic homeland may seem noble, his other "Attributes" are not as noble. Such as, A. His disregard and racism of other races besides humans. While refusing to help Kahjiit cravans and dunmer villages, he is the first to "Sound the horn" when a Nord village is attacked. B. His civil war might be based on a desire for power. Some say he didn't just kill the king because of the king's lack of ruling skill, but because he simply could. C. He's a pretentious d***bag. I actually kind of regret joining the Sotrmcloaks because of him. If no Ulfric was here, the Nord revolution would be straight A-okay with me.

And finally, Korir. I get why this guy doesn't get up. Even Helgen is more intact than this hold. He really has nothing to do. With all the buildings gone, he is essentially powerless. So, therefore, he is a useless Jarl with nothing but a few shacks to his name. Tough luck broskie.

So there you have it. So how are the Jarls?

PRETENTIOUS, USELESS, RACIST, WHINY, NOT NEARLY THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF SCANDULOUS, AND STRAIGHT UP LAZY!!! I mean, come on! There are freaking dragons on the loose and there is a war going on! With the exception of maybe Ulfric and Balggruf, no one does anything! They just sit on their thrones all day with their thumbs planted firmly up their @$$es! Now, I get it! I don't expect royalty to go out every day to hunt for bandits themselves, but these people literally do nothing! They don't even order ther servants or guards to go do it! So, more often then not, the servants hae to do most of the work without the consent of their ruler to keep things running! Skald is douche, Siddgeir is a d***, Igmund does nothing about his swelling list of problems with Markarth, Ravencrone IS A CRONE, Laila Law-Giver isn't nearly as interesting as she should be, Elisif's Sansa Stark, Balggruf is awesome, Ulfric is a racist, and Korir just sucks!!!!!!

(Sigh) I don't know. They just get under my skin. They just do. I have no idea what it is. I can only hope next game, the Jarls will be done better.