The Lusty Argonian Maid

The Lusty Argonian Maid is a play written by Crassius Curio and is riddled with sexual innuendo. It is often found in the sleeping areas of reclusive men. The Dawnguard expansion includes a variant called The Sultry Argonian Bard in which the titular character, Croon-Tail, is male, and his patroness is female.

Morrowind

 * Vivec City, found on the body of Crassius Curio

Oblivion

 * Leyawiin in Southern Books.
 * Imperial City, found on the body of Gaston Tussaud.
 * Cheydinhal, the Dark Brotherhood Sanctuary. Ocheeva owns a copy. Amusing, considering she is in fact an Argonian.
 * Deepscorn Hollow, next to the bed of the Dark Minion.
 * Gweden Farm, basement in the sleeping area.
 * Bliss, close to the entrance gate.
 * Imperial City Waterfront by the Pirates

Skyrim

 * Honningbrew Meadery, next to the bed in the loft floor (Volume 2).
 * Haelga's Bunkhouse (Riften), left of the altar of Dibella on the bedstand in Haelga's room (Volumes 1/2).
 * Lucky Lorenz's Shack, a crushed house across the river from the Abandoned Prison. Next to the body of Lucky Lorenz.
 * Winterhold Jarl's Longhouse, in a room on the second floor.
 * Riftweald Manor, located in the basement
 * College of Winterhold Arcaneum, in a stack of books. You have to search for it, but it's there.
 * Driftshade Refuge (Silver Hand hideout), on a bookshelf
 * Highmoon Hall (Morthal) Underneath Joric's Bed.

Fort Dawnguard, Next to some potions and a bedroll.

Go to Benkongerike in Solstheim and enter the Great Hall. On the right inside a hut you will find a big pile of the First and Second volume of the books.

Volume 1
Act IV, Scene III, continued

Lifts-Her-Tail Certainly not, kind sir! I am here but to clean your chambers.

Crantius Colto Is that all you have come here for, little one? My chambers?

Lifts-Her-Tail I have no idea what it is you imply, master. I am but a poor Argonian maid.

Crantius Colto So you are, my dumpling. And a good one at that. Such strong legs and shapely tail.

Lifts-Her-Tail You embarrass me, sir!

Crantius Colto Fear not. You are safe here with me.

Lifts-Her-Tail I must finish my cleaning, sir. The mistress will have my head if I do not!

Crantius Colto Cleaning, eh? I have something for you. Here, polish my spear.

Lifts-Her-Tail But it is huge! It could take me all night!

Crantius Colto Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.

END OF ACT IV, SCENE III

Volume 2
''Note: Volume 2 was added in '

Act VII, Scene II, Continued

Lifts-Her-Tail


 * My goodness, that's quite a loaf! But how ever shall it fit my oven?

Crantius Colto


 * This loaf isn't ready for baking, my sweet. It has yet to rise.

Lifts-Her-Tail


 * If only we could hurry that along. How would I accomplish such a task?

Crantius Colto


 * Oh, my foolish little Argonian maid, you must use your hands.

Lifts-Her-Tail


 * You wish me to knead the loaf? Here?

Crantius Colto


 * Of course.

Lifts-Her-Tail


 * But what if the mistress catches me? Your loaf was meant to satisfy her appetite.

Crantius Colto


 * Don't fret, my delicate flower. I'll satisfy the mistress's cravings later.

Lifts-Her-Tail


 * Very well, but I'm afraid my oven isn't hot enough. It could take hours!

Crantius Colto


 * Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.

End of Act VII, Scene II

Trivia

 * In The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind and The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, this appeared as a single book, however in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim it appears as two separate volumes: Volume 1, Volume 2.
 * The male lead's name, " Crantius Colto," is almost identical to that of the writer  Crassius Curio. It is extremely probable that he wrote this as a "self-insertion" fantasy.
 * In the add-on The Elder Scrolls V: Dragonborn there is a quest where the author Crassius Curio gives you a quest to find her folio. once you find it, it is both Volumes 1 and 2 of The Lusty Argonian Maid

Appearances

 * The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind
 * The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
 * The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim