The Lusty Argonian Maid

 is a play and book filled with numerous examples of sexual innuendo written by Crassius Curio. It is often found in the sleeping areas of reclusive men. The Dawnguard expansion includes a variant called The Sultry Argonian Bard in which the titular character, Croon-Tail, is male, and his patroness is female. There are 2 volumes of the book.

Morrowind

 * Vivec City, found on the body of Crassius Curio

Oblivion

 * Leyawiin in Southern Books.
 * Imperial City, found on the body of Gaston Tussaud.
 * Cheydinhal, the Dark Brotherhood Sanctuary. Ocheeva owns a copy. Amusing, considering she is in fact an Argonian.
 * Deepscorn Hollow, next to the bed of the Dark Minion.
 * Gweden Farm, basement in the sleeping area.
 * Bliss, close to the entrance gate.
 * Imperial City Waterfront by the Pirates

Skyrim

 * Honningbrew Meadery, next to the bed in the loft floor (Volume 2).
 * Haelga's Bunkhouse (Riften), left of the altar of Dibella on the bedstand in Haelga's room (Volumes 1/2).
 * Lucky Lorenz's Shack, a crushed house across the river from the Abandoned Prison. Next to the body of Lucky Lorenz.
 * Winterhold Jarl's Longhouse, in a room on the second floor.
 * Riftweald Manor, in the basement.
 * College of Winterhold Arcaneum, in a stack of books, (it may be hard to find, but it's there).
 * Driftshade Refuge (Silver Hand hideout), on a bookshelf
 * Apocrypha, as a drop from Seekers.
 * Highmoon Hall (Morthal) Underneath Joric's Bed.
 * Fort Dawnguard, Next to some potions and a bedroll.
 * In Benkongerike in Solstheim in the Great Hall. On the right, inside a hut, there is a pile of both works. (13 of V1, 6 of V2)
 * Riftweald Manor in Riften on the desk near the bust of the Gray Fox

Volume 1
Act IV, Scene III, continued

Lifts-Her-Tail


 * Certainly not, kind sir! I am here but to clean your chambers.

Crantius Colto


 * Is that all you have come here for, little one? My chambers?

Lifts-Her-Tail


 * I have no idea what it is you imply, master. I am but a poor Argonian maid.

Crantius Colto


 * So you are, my dumpling. And a good one at that. Such strong legs and shapely tail.

Lifts-Her-Tail


 * You embarrass me, sir!

Crantius Colto


 * Fear not. You are safe here with me.

Lifts-Her-Tail


 * I must finish my cleaning, sir. The mistress will have my head if I do not!

Crantius Colto


 * Cleaning, eh? I have something for you. Here, polish my spear.

Lifts-Her-Tail


 * But it is huge! It could take me all night!

Crantius Colto


 * Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.

END OF ACT IV, SCENE III

Volume 2
Note: Volume 2 was added in '

Act VII, Scene II, Continued

Lifts-Her-Tail


 * My goodness, that's quite a loaf! But how ever shall it fit my oven?

Crantius Colto


 * This loaf isn't ready for baking, my sweet. It has yet to rise.

Lifts-Her-Tail


 * If only we could hurry that along. How would I accomplish such a task?

Crantius Colto


 * Oh, my foolish little Argonian maid, you must use your hands.

Lifts-Her-Tail


 * You wish me to knead the loaf? Here?

Crantius Colto


 * Of course.

Lifts-Her-Tail


 * But what if the mistress catches me? Your loaf was meant to satisfy her appetite.

Crantius Colto


 * Don't fret, my delicate flower. I'll satisfy the mistress's cravings later.

Lifts-Her-Tail


 * Very well, but I'm afraid my oven isn't hot enough. It could take hours!

Crantius Colto


 * Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.

End of Act VII, Scene II

Trivia

 * In and, this appeared as a single book, however in  it appears as two separate volumes: Volume 1, Volume 2.
 * The male lead's name, "Crantius Colto," is almost identical to that of the writer Crassius Curio, implying that he wrote this as a "self-insertion" fantasy.
 * In the add-on there is a (quest item) book called Lusty Argonian Maid Folio, which contains both Volume I and Volume II.
 * Despite being written by an Imperial during the Third Era, both volumes of "The Lusty Argonian Maid" appear in.