User blog:4. 1. 22. 5. M97/Blog Critic: Tamriel's Ultimate Fate : A Scholar's Insight

A scholars insight? That's really the title? Bu-bu-BULLSH*T!!! Hey, Blog Critic here, and if you have read the last review of Man of Steak's blogs, (if you havn't, what the f*ck are you still doing here?), then you know what kind of sh*t we're about to get into. I apologize for the anger of my introduction, but after reading the last blog of MoS's, it will p*ss you off too! It was the first time I had to give a blog the worst rank of quality possible on my scale, and there were arguments abound in the comments section. They were quite warranted. I'm sorry, that's no way to start an introduction. If by some chance you have not read my last Blog Critic, I have started to review MoS's work on blogs and measure the sort of quality it has. Long story short, his first one sucked. It sucked Troll Balls. I almost threw up after I was done. But the show must go on and now we are back to kick this sh*t into gear as we arrive at our next blog in the little MoS chapter in Blog Critic, and I am prepared to give him one more chance to redeem the horrendousness of the last one. This is the Ultimate Fate of Tamriel: A scholars insight. Remember, Bold text is the blog itself, normal is my own.

'''You may have read my blog about the Civil Flame War. "How does this tie in?" You ask. '''

'''Whoever wins the war will have a vast effect on Tamriel's fate in the future. The Stormcloaks or the Imperials. But, as usual, there is both a trap card and a wild card.'''

"How does this tie in?" you ask? I wasn't. Moving on.

'''If you don't know, this is the Thalmor. Activate them, and you have the might of Summerset, Valenwood and Elsweyr against you, both militarily and politically. A force to be reckoned with. Some say they are broken and weak. I disagree. Perhaps a quote from Wuunferth the Unliving will help you, a Stormcloak supporter as he is.'''

"Strength and steel are well and good, but magic is the true power in this world."

'''The truth is rather overwhelming. The Thalmor are prepared for any type of attack, even the wild card couldn't stand against them.'''

This is the so called "Trap card" where MoS explains that the Thalmor is an extremely powerful force to be reckoned with when it comes to magical ability-WAIT A MINUTE! Let's go back to the introduction really quick. What the hell kind of an introduction is that!?! "You may have read my blog." Ugh, for those of you who don't know, I am a bit of a stickler for introductions. It is a crucial part of a blog, paper, whatever, and it's what explains to the reader what the f*ck he/she's reading! There is no explanation for this blog. Are we supposed to just automatically get it? The next sentence isn't really helpful either. "Whoever wins the war will have a vast effet on Tamriel's fate in the future." War? What war? Who said there will be a war? We come to one of Man of Steaks greatest problems when it comes to writing blogs, (Besides just writing blogs), and that is the presentation of evidence. He has no concept of it. He doesn't give us facts, just statements that can and will be treated as opinion. Who knows? There very well could not be war. AND HE DOESN'T EVEN EXPLAIN WHAT THE WAR IS! War about what? Who against who? EXPLAIN! "Some say they are broken and weak." Who? "I disagree." Who cares? "Perhaps a quote from Wuunferth the Unliving will help you," Holy Sh*t, an actual quote? Too bad it's only one persons word. If you really wanted to get the point of magical power across, why not give us more examples besides some old fart's quote. "The truth is rather overwhelming." What, that you're blog writing is the equivalent of whacking off with a cheese grater?

OK, I aplogize for the bashing. Maybe the last blog hasn't really left my system yet. But you have to admit this opening is a little weak. "The Thalmor are prepared for any type of attack." Again, no evidence. This blog, trust me, would be a hundred, nay, a thousand times better if he at least gave us more than just a quote from someone for evidence. Onto the at least rightly named "Wild Card."

'''The Dragonborn, as he is known. He could join either side, he has freedom from destiny itself. The Dragonborn may be powerful, but there is always someone bigger than you in the world.'''

'''The Dragonborn isn't immortal, or invincible or anything like that. He's just some guy who can shout. A big deal, right?'''

Only to those weaker than him.

If this so called war happened with the Dragonborn, sure, I could buy that Bethesda woud want you to have the choice of joining either side. (But to be honest, with the motives of the Thalmor, they could also play the role as main villain and you would have to fight them regardless). But then MoS goes all "Depressed Realist" on us and says the Dragonborn is only as powerful until someone bigger comes along. I don't know, Miraak and Alduin seemed like pretty formidable forces and the Dragonborn came out on top. But alas, he is just some guy who can shout. Eh, no. I think he is a bit more than that. Well, my chracter is. And despite what MoS thinks, (Moving away from the review real fast), I think the Dragonborn is kind of a big deal to those who are stronger than him as well. But that's just my opinion. Onward.

'''Fate and Destiny are not the same, contrary to popular belief. Your fate is how you will die, whereas your destiny is what you will do in life or death, perhaps even undeath.'''

The Dragonborn is free from destiny and fate, as he has a power not many can match.

The power of choice.

Tis far more powerful then you think. A free will is above the stone wall of fate, and the fog of destiny. Consider this.'''

'''"A man sentenced to death is proposed the following choice "In order to choose your death. You will say a sentence. If this sentence is true you will be electrocuted. If it is false you will be poisoned." The man smiles, and says his sentence. He is still alive and will never be killed... What did he say?"'''

The important part is he had a choice, a true choice.

"Fate and Destiny are not the same." Great. Fantastic. What does that have to do with anything? The Dragonborn has the power of choice! Great, as far as Bethesda allows it, but great! What does that have to do anything? Choice is a powerful thing. Great! What does that have to do with anything? "A man sentence to-didn't want to type the whole thing." Great! Who the f*ck cares? What the F*ck did any of this have to do with the rest of your blog? WHAT THE F*CKING F*CK DID THIS BLOG HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOUR BLOG!?! Seriously, when I read The Ultimate Fate of Tamriel in the title, I expect to read about the GODD*MN ULTIMATE FATE OF TAMRIEL! Not have a philosophy lesson from a guy who's apparently made out of Steak! I couldn't give less of a sh*t about what MoS has to say about Destiny and Fate when reading about the Elder Scrolls. Jeebus A. Chris!

(sigh) Lordy lord people. I...I just can't. I want to quit now, but no, I have a job to do, and we will see this through to the end!

My theory of a Stormcloak outcome goes like this : 

"Ulfric won the war and made an alliance with Hammerfell and High Rock. After conquering most of Tamriel and burning Black Marsh, Elsweyr's forests, Valenwood and every single forest that ever existed, he attempted to go to Summerset. Because he burned all the wood, he couldn't make boats, and all of his remaining pre-war boats were burned by mages.  The Thalmor Leader sat on Summerset on a deck chair, looking at Ulfric with a troll face. Later, an arcane purge was performed on Tamriel, killing all humans and enemies of the Thalmor."

Something like that.

...That is the dumbest theory I have ever heard and MoS's had some doozies. Is Ulfric an anti-enviromentalist? I thought Elsweyr was a desert. Why would Ulfric burn all the forests down? Was MoS dropped on his derpy head as a baby twice? How the F*ck would every sinle godd*mn boat in existence be burned? Please explain. I almost don't need to review this. It mostly speaks for itself. THe next one is the Imperial outcome.

It goes like this : 

"So General Tullius won le Civil War and High Rock, Cyrodill and Skyrim launched an attack on Elsweyr, which sadly failed. The Argonians offered a pact, they would attack Elsweyr if they were allowed to have the province. The Imperials agreed. The Argonians conquered and settled Elsweyr, but sadly the ones who lived there died of bad suburn and sunstroke. Hammerfell decided to join the Empire, and they attacked Valenwood. Sadly, most of the forces died and a Ent/Treant (They exist now) decided to call his friends so they could conquer Tamriel. They got burned. The Empire invented a bomb which blew up the White-Gold Tower, leaving the Imperial City in ruins. The Thalmor sailed from Dragonsto- I mean Summerset, and took over Tamriel."

This is a joke. It has to be. Maybe I was taking this the wrong way. Maybe I was looking at it in a different way than it was supposed to be looked at. At least, I hope I was. Maybe this wasn't so serious of a blog after all. I read through the comments to see if what I was seeing was really supposed to be read as a blog, and apparently, not all parts were serious, according to MoS. I really hope these last two paragraphs of his were his "Not so Serious" ones. Though he said it was his most scholarly to date. Heh. I also read through more of th comments and surprisingly enough, I completely forgot this is the one where Madman97 challenged MoS to his Game of Riddles, whose riddles were made by yours truly, (Sorry the third one made no sense), and MoS lost. Hmm. Well, in any case, the final sypnosis of the blog is in the next sentence.

My synopsis can be viewed here.

Speaks for itself. The last sentence is an aknowledgment to Zippertrain85 and Draevan for their input for the previous blog. I only hope that by input he means that they stated the sh*ttines of the blog in the comments, but after viwin these last few paragraphs, I am halfway convinced that MoS was originally going to write a serious blog but then realized he had no idea what the F*ck he was talking about and changed it to a humorous one halfway through. I hope that's the case. So Final Verdict? Well, if this truly is a serious blog...(Drum roll please)

...

DEAR AKATOSH WHAT IS THIS!?!

And if its a halfway serious comedic blog

...

AVERAGE!

Final Word: MoS is somewhat of a special guy when it comes to blogging. He earned the worst review on his first time from me, which had not yet been given out up to this point, twice in a row too, and he is also the only one to earn two verdicts from me in a single review. That doesn't happen often and I commend MoS for being such a terrible blog writer. (Heehee). For a serious blog, God, you can tell that this belongs in the garbage. But halfway through I'm starting to realize that maybe these were not meant to be taken seriously. Maybe, not unlike Fishy Salesman blogs, he wanted to just write a blog to have a laugh, and being an associate of Madman97, I can't say anything against that. Though, if it wasn't meant to be taken seriously, I can honestly say it wasn't funny until probably the last two paragraphs when you start to realize it's a joke. It kind of affirms the theory that he was being serious at first and then decided to just be funny. Still, be as it may, it is kind of poorly written. The theories are over the top extreme, there is yet again no evidence supporting them, one of the paragraphs about Fate and Destiny had nothing to do with anything, (And it was not at all funny either if was supposed to be), and the introduction is once again terrible. Thank the lord there is only a couple more to go. I'm Blog Critic and I'll see you next time.