User blog:TheInfamousLyingHarlot/The Sad Story... of the Sweetroll...

Once upon a time, there lived this sexy Orc named Orclahoma. She only wore tavern clothes.

She didn't like adventuring much and mostly just stayed at the Orc Stronghold- although she would sometimes visit cities to buy jewlery. Nobody cared at the stronghold. They all kind of ignored Orclahoma. They thought she was an ugly Orc. But she wasn't. She was sexy.

One day, she was sitting by the Longhouse wondering why chiefs from other strongholds wouldn't marry her, when she came to the realization; She was limiting her options. None of the orcs thought she was sexy because they were orcs, and they just didn't understand sexy. So she stole one of their horses and left. The Orcs didn't chase after her. They were glad she was gone. They thought she wore too much stinky perfume.

Orclahoma's first step was Dawnstar, where she planned to seduce the hapeless miners into giving her all the ore they had. But all the miners were married, so Orclahoma was stuck. She had very strong morals, and didn't want a husband to cheat on their wife with her.

That night, she stayed at the inn and devised a brilliant plan. She would kill all the wives so that the miners could be seduced but not be cheaters. She killed all the women, but for some reason, the men still did not want to be with her. They looked very afraid of her. They called the guards and claimed that she senselessly slaughtered their wives. The guards got really mad and started to chase after her. Apparently, if she killed someone, her sexiness would not get her out of trouble.

Orclahoma, frustrated by this revelation, rode off to Windhelm in search of new pray. She decided she would pray on the innocent Argonians who worked on the docks, only instead of precious ore, she would take the precious cargo.

She stayed at Candlehearth Hall and planned out each of her marks. She walked along the docks and tried to get the attention of one of the Argonians, but they were too busy to pay her any mind. That night, Orclahoma succumed to her lack of success with much dissapointment. While lying in bed and staring at the wall, she realized why she was so upset. It wasn't about the ore or the cargo... it was about love. Nobody loved her.

She couldn't cry because Orcs rip their tearducts out while they're infants, but she frowned harder than usual and made sniffing noises with her nose. The innkeeper came in to ask if she was alright. Orclahoma said she was fine, but then said she wasn't fine. The innkeeper refrained from rolling her eyes and gave Orclahoma a sweet roll to make her feel better, then left quickly.

Orclahoma stared at the sweet roll, and instantly, there was a connection. Her heart began to beat really fast, and she felt a large lump in her throat. "H- h- hi..." she said quietly to the sweet roll.

It stared back at her.

"I'm- I'm Orclahoma... what's your name?"

The sweet roll kept staring.

"Oh, really? I like that name..."

It was love.

Orclahoma felt happier than ever, basking in the glory of these newfound feelings. She danced out of Windhelm, put the sweet roll (named Rick) in a sachtel on her horse's saddle, and mounted the horse. They rode off into the sunset and began to journey towards Riften to get hitched (or as Nordic slang says, "Get arrows to the knees").

They arrived at the Riften front gates and payed the visitor's fee (Orclahoma was too lost in joy to question the motives behind the fee). They were nearing the Temple of Mara when a theif came from around the corner, chased by legions of guards. The theif looked starved... and parched! As he passed Orclahoma, he noticed the delicious looking sweet roll in her hand. He licked his lips, then snatched it from her grasp before she could react.

Orclahoma watched in numb terror as the theif took a chomp out of Rick the roll. She cried out and screamed at the guards to catch him... but the theif escaped, never to be seen again.

As she slowly staggered towards the railing along the river, a guard sniggered and teased. "What's the matter? Somebody steal your sweet roll?"

Orclahoma felt a tear escape her eye. How it was possible, she did not know. She was pretty sure it was blood, though. When she forced herself to cry hard enough, blood came out of her eyes. It looks pretty fucking metal.

Anyways, she climbed onto the railing and stood on top. Then, she jumped.

She broke every bone in her body... but lived.

The End...

1 lyk= 1 resptckt