The Madness of Cyrodiil
It has been many moons since I last wrote one of these. So many new births, so much change in me, so much change in you. During my year of extensive travels, I have learned to chug skooma and not feel the affects, though I keep ending up in ditches for some odd reason. I trapped my beloved wife's soul in a gem, but then that gem broke and I spent some time in prison. Then of course, that awful hanging, my ghost, and then the horrendous feeling of possessing my gran till I found a suitable replacement body. Now, in this young axeman's body, I return to my theories, of which seemingly make a few laughs smile.
In my always extensive travels through the land of Tamriel, I have found the folk of Cyrodiil to be quite... odd. They look young, even the old ones. They talk like a crazed Hagraven with a chip against sentient rocks. Then of course, there are the Orcs of Cyrodiil, who look more like my granda when he was struck ill with gulag surprise. Overall, I find all the citizens of the capital to be more annoying than bees deprived of honey.
I have studied this, more or less for the same reasons I've studied most of the subjects surrounding these theories: for the sake of an answer to life's most posing questions. For instance, why Nords are always drunk, or why Altmer always have an expression of dung smelling, or why there is a severe lack of relieving stations within the land.
The only plausible deniability with which I have arrived at, after long and arduous thinking, pondering, and intense skooma drinking, is that all of these people are inbred, sentient dirt piles, who's minds have yet to truly develope.
No, I'm not serious, for the truth is quite sinister. I actually believe that Sheogorath managed to infiltrate Oblivion, and use the incredible amount of gates as an opportunity to spread madness, for I trace the origin of this activity back to the period of the oblivion crisis.
In truth, it makes more sense than my first approach, which included cannibalistic cows and a rather nasty, dung covered priest with a pension for the dead. See the priest attempted to cure an ailment to the cows, which inturn, made the cow... well, relieve himself on the priest, leaving him covered in dung. Driven mad by his failure, the priest took a liking to relieving himself on the dead. This, inturn, lead to an erotic smell in the air that made all of the citizens go mad. Eventually, the cow grew tired of his creation and ended the priest, but was cursed by Sithis to eat his brethren. The issue was the radius of smell to citizen, which was the biggest flaw. The other, being that I couldn't find the cow who relieved himself on the priest. I have so many questions for that creature...