Hahah! Oh this is a good one!
Oh no! What happens next?
Ha ho! What a twist!
Excuse Us, Lord Sheogorath
"Vae! Can't you see I'm busy reading? It's one of My favourite things. Like everything else! Especially things like this, ho how they make a Daedra laugh!"
"This, that, all of that! Come on Vae, you must enjoy it as well!?"
Of course....but you haven't talked about the Tour recently
"I was getting to that! Can't an immortal enjoy a good read for an eternity?"
Procrastination won't get you anywhere. And the readers are getting over the story!
"Then they don't believe enough! Or maybe I'm just lazy? Noooo, I'm WORKING! See?"
No I don't see....
"The perfect fire in the fireplace? The warm cookies on the side table? The milk? The greenmote!? The skulls of all the kiddos? Isn't it obvious!?"
"We're here....for the GREATEST Storytime with Alexi...ahem with Sheogorath!"
Welcome back to...
STORYTIME. WITH. SHEOGORATH!
Applaud or be mutilated.
"Hi there my special little subjects! Welcome back to world-class show, with your favourite host...Me!"
"Now. You're probably wondering why we're here. Doing story time. I mean, we still have a fight of the gods to talk about and here we're are, enjoying our reading room."
"WHAT!? You try setting up a show set, they're expensive!"
"Anyways...we got some good stories for you. Ones we missed! Ones we neglected! Left them out in the rain. Scandalous!"
Lord....surely you don't mean to fully read EVERY book you missed?
"No no Vae! I won't do that. Can't do that. I'll provide the summaries. With flair of course!"
First let's start with the Myths of Sheogorath....Me, written by Mymophonus. Whoever that is.
Now firstly....MYTHS!? These are all 100% true and correct FACTS! It's history!
I invented music, through the body parts of that beautiful woman! Her sweet tendons, played soft melodies for me to sleep to. Her skull and her arms made for wonderful marching themes. Her bones shaped the winds into melodies. Truly nothing more beautiful and justified could've happened to such a lady. You're welcome kiddies!
I punished King Lyandir for his disgusting acts and his work to destroy the beauty of madness! His desire to take away all that makes us wonderful! The arts, the humour, the homicidal tendencies! By turning all the new kids to madness, I overthrew his Order and showed the superiority of Madness again! The people can dance, sing, fornicate, and kill each other once again!
Lastly I showed that even the most powerful and ambitious of my subjects are no match for my genius....for my Blessings! Ravate was a powerful wizard, bent on gaining power from Me. He pledged to drive thousands mad for these powers. I laughed, always amused by the antics of mortal men. So I made a wager. If Ravate was sane by the end of three days, I'd give him those powers. In the mean time, I would make him mad. The wizard agreed, thinking himself safe from my Blessings. I locked him into the Realm and began. And for the next three days, I watched and laughed as the foolish mortal began to lose himself to his fears. Every shadow could be waiting to scare him, every noise nothing more than an illusion. Ever the fool, he stayed awake to make sure I never invaded his dreams (even though that is Vaermina's domain). When the days were done Ravate screamed at me, shouting that I had turned the very world against him. In fact I had done nothing. Nothing but sparked the fears of a mortal, who had driven themselves mad.
"Hahahaha! Oh foolish, pitiful mortals. Their brains can't even handle a little scaring!"
Now We understand why they write stories about themselves.
Next are my Accords of Madness, where three of the sixteen books can be read; Book VI, Book IX, and Book XII. Each book proves My superiority over a different Daedric Prince, My siblings who I love oh so much.
I don't. They're the very meaning of annoying siblings.
These books note the truth in my power; I tricked Hircine by beating the ultimate beast with my lovely little pet birdy. I beat Vaermina in her own game by driving her follower mad. And I convinced Malacath to slaughter his own son. That's only one of the reasons he's not popular at parties, let Me tell you.
The Liturgy of Affliction by Vexis Velruan. A genius mortal if there ever was one. A book of pure knowledge, knowledge that even old Herma-Mora wants. Vexis Velruan, knew that the only way to become the most powerful destruction mage was to understand ALL of destruction magic. Not just casting it, but the feeling of being hit by it. Of the pain it causes. When Vexis tried to cure diseases by turning the disease on itself, he was cast out of the temple and his healing practices. This didn't deter the man, the genius that he is. No...instead he used this knowledge to delve deeper into magicka. His entire body was singed and destroyed by his magic and the pain he felt was almost too much to bear....but he emerged as a true master of magic. But further more....he discovered a grand truth. That pain isn't to be ignored....it's the greatest gift mankind. And for this, he's gained my respect.
He deserves the respect of all mortals!
The Ravings of Fenroy, by Frenroy, for Frenroy, to Frenroy....Frenroy. This book makes my words back when I was imprisoned seem like a tame whining. Written by a man who went insane in the prisons, he raves about his mother, dragons, and many other things. Really, it was hard to keep up a conversation with the young lad. I urge you to please read it for yourself, my readers. It partakes a bit of knowledge...and might even mention an old nemesis of mine...
Rotting cheese. Ghastly stuff, We'll win one day my Lord.
"We must...I won't stand to see another wedge of cheese killed by the Rotten Army!"
An old classic, Wabbajack is a wonderful book by an unknown author, using the name of my favourite little tool. This book talks about a little boy who has just become the new King of Solitude. He seeks to call upon old Herma-Mora in hopes the Prince will give him the book of knowledge. Following an old ritual which involves shaving a cat and the height of a storm, the young lad summoned the Prince. His suit, beard, and all. The Prince smiled warmly as the young boy began to cheer with excitement, proclaiming the name of Hermaeus Mora and asking for his book. His excitement tore away his rational thoughts when the Prince introduced himself as Uncle Sheo. With a happy smile, the Prince gave the young boy a beautiful staff before departing back home. And with the staff, came the knowledge the young boy wanted. Even if he didn't know he wanted it.
"Ahhh those were good memories. I miss that young man. Perhaps I'll visit him in a few hundred years? Have a nice picnic in the botanical gardens?"
I'll set up the appointment Lord.
"Good...good! But let's not keep him waiting. Set it to sometime in the 4th Era, but not before the year 200! I like to be early to parties."
Last but certainly not least, is the book The Blessings of Sheogorath. These Blessings make us who we are, and must always be remembered and loved.
Blessed are the Madmen, for they hold the keys to secret knowledge.
Blessed are the Phobic, always wary of that which would do them harm.
Blessed are the Obsessed, for their courses are clear.
Blessed are the Addicts, may they quench the thirst that never ebbs.
Blessed are the Murderous, for they have found beauty in the grotesque.
Blessed are the Firelovers, for their hearts are always warm.
Blessed are the Artists, for in their hands the impossible is made real.
Blessed are the Musicians, for in their ears they hear the music of the soul.
Blessed are the Sleepless, as they bask in wakeful dreaming.
Blessed are the Paranoid, ever-watchful for our enemies.
Blessed are the Visionaries, for their eyes see what might be.
Blessed are the Painlovers, for in their suffering, we grow stronger.
Blessed is the Madgod, who tricks us when we are foolish, punishes us when we are wrong, tortures us when we are unmindful, and loves us in our imperfection.
Remember these words, my dear readers. They will help you remember yourselves when I am gone.
"Yes. Gone. Gone on my adventures, on my vacations! But I'll always come back home. To torture horribly, most likely."
Of course Lord Sheogorath. We know not to expect, but to hope. For your whim can never be known. Not even to you.
"Hmm? Vae! Where are the other stories?"
They've been covered in previous Tour parts my Lord. I'm afraid you have no other books to read.
"Impossible! New books are always available! Except for when our writers are dead, shame about them really. But you never know when they might be writing in code."
True. You must purge the good writers to make sure they never betray you.
"It's also nice to the non-writers, so they won't have to worry about the big-shots taking them out."
So...no more books?
"No more books.
No more forgotten items?
If there are any, then they've been forgotten!
So...We can return things to normal? Go back and...
"And finish what we came here to do."
To fight for Madness, and the Shivering Isles.
To fight for Brain Pie and Entrails.
To fight. For Me. Prince of Madness.
BECAUSE JYGGALAG MADE THIS PERSONAL!
-Sheogorath & Vae, 27th of Frostfall, 3E 433