To Whom It May Concern:
My master is offering a reward for the safe return of three bottles of stolen wine. No questions will be asked, and no answers given. Wherever these three bottles may be, they will be within walking distance of one another. They always are.
The first is a bottle of chilled white wine. You will likely wonder how the bottle remains so cold to the touch, but it is best not to dwell on it.
The second is a bottle of fine red wine. Your arm will go numb when you pick it up, but there is no need to panic. Feeling should return as long as the bottle is delivered in a timely manner.
Lastly, a bottle of homemade wine of indeterminate color. Holding the bottle will induce a sensation of tremendous melancholy, followed by unrelenting hopelessness, emotional debilitation, and eventual self-destruction.
If one of the bottles has been opened, my master asks that you bury it as deep as possible, all the while being careful not to let the contents touch your skin. If you come upon someone drinking from one of these bottles, he asks that you kill the individual and burn everything in the surrounding area.
If found intact, please bring these wines to me immediately. I never move from my place in the Stitches, where I will anxiously await your arrival.
Hofgrad Kjisorssen, faithful servant to his master