The Lusty Argonian Maid is a play written by Crassius Curio and is riddled with sexual innuendo. It is often found in the sleeping areas of reclusive men. The Dawnguard expansion includes a variant called The Sultry Argonian Bard in which the titular character, Croon-Tail, is male, and his patroness is female.
Known locations
Morrowind
- Vivec City, found on the body of Crassius Curio
Oblivion
- Leyawiin in Southern Books.
- Imperial City, found on the body of Gaston Tussaud.
- Cheydinhal, the Dark Brotherhood Sanctuary. Ocheeva owns a copy. Amusing, considering she is in fact an Argonian.
- Deepscorn Hollow, next to the bed of the Dark Minion.
- Gweden Farm, basement in the sleeping area.
- Bliss, close to the entrance gate.
- Imperial City Waterfront by the Pirates
Skyrim
- Honningbrew Meadery, next to the bed in the loft floor (Volume 2).
- Haelga's Bunkhouse (Riften), left of the altar of Dibella on the bedstand in Haelga's room (Volumes 1/2).
- In a crushed house across the river from the Abandoned Prison. Next to the body of Lucky Lorenz.
- Winterhold Jarl's Longhouse, in a room on the second floor.
- Riftweald Manor, located in the basement
- College of Winterhold Arcaneum, in a stack of books. You have to search for it, but it's there.
- Driftshade Refuge (Silver Hand hideout), on a bookshelf
- Highmoon Hall (Morthal) Underneath Joric's Bed.
Fort Dawnguard, Next to some potions and and a bedroll.
Contents
Volume 1
Act IV, Scene III, continued
Lifts-Her-Tail
Certainly not, kind sir! I am here but to clean your chambers.
Crantius Colto
Is that all you have come here for, little one? My chambers?
Lifts-Her-Tail
I have no idea what it is you imply, master. I am but a poor Argonian maid.
Crantius Colto
So you are, my dumpling. And a good one at that. Such strong legs and shapely tail.
Lifts-Her-Tail
You embarrass me, sir!
Crantius Colto
Fear not. You are safe here with me.
Lifts-Her-Tail
I must finish my cleaning, sir. The mistress will have my head if I do not!
Crantius Colto
Cleaning, eh? I have something for you. Here, polish my spear.
Lifts-Her-Tail
But it is huge! It could take me all night!
Crantius Colto
Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.
END OF ACT IV, SCENE III
Volume 2
Act VII, Scene II, Continued
Lifts-Her-Tail: My goodness, that's quite a loaf! But how ever shall it fit my oven?
Crantius Colto: This loaf isn't ready for baking, my sweet. It has yet to rise.
Lifts-Her-Tail: If only we could hurry that along. How would I accomplish such a task?
Crantius Colto: Oh, my foolish little Argonian maid, you must use your hands.
Lifts-Her-Tail: You wish me to knead the loaf? Here?
Crantius Colto: Of course.
Lifts-Her-Tail: But what if the mistress catches me? Your loaf was meant to satisfy her appetite.
Crantius Colto: Don't fret, my delicate flower. I'll satisfy the mistress's cravings later.
Lifts-Her-Tail: Very well, but I'm afraid my oven isn't hot enough. It could take hours!
Crantius Colto: Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.
End of Act VII, Scene II
Trivia
- In The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind and The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, this appeared as a single book, however in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim it appears as two separate volumes: Volume 1, Volume 2.
Appearances
- The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind Template:1st
- The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
- The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
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