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The Lusty Argonian Maid is a play and book filled with tons of sexual innuendo written by Crassius Curio. It is often found in the sleeping areas of reclusive men. The Dawnguard expansion includes a variant called The Sultry Argonian Bard in which the titular character, Croon-Tail, is male, and his patroness is female.

Known locations

Morrowind

Oblivion

Skyrim

In Benkongerike in Solstheim in the Great Hall. On the right, inside a hut, there is a pile of both works. (13 of V1, 6 of V2)

Contents

Volume 1

Act IV, Scene III, continued

Lifts-Her-Tail
Certainly not, kind sir! I am here but to clean your chambers.

Crantius Colto
Is that all you have come here for, little one? My chambers?

Lifts-Her-Tail
I have no idea what it is you imply, master. I am but a poor Argonian maid.

Crantius Colto
So you are, my dumpling. And a good one at that. Such strong legs and shapely tail.

Lifts-Her-Tail
You embarrass me, sir!

Crantius Colto
Fear not. You are safe here with me.

Lifts-Her-Tail
I must finish my cleaning, sir. The mistress will have my head if I do not!

Crantius Colto
Cleaning, eh? I have something for you. Here, polish my spear.

Lifts-Her-Tail
But it is huge! It could take me all night!

Crantius Colto
Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.

END OF ACT IV, SCENE III

Volume 2

Note: Volume 2 was added in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

Act VII, Scene II, Continued


Lifts-Her-Tail

My goodness, that's quite a loaf! But how ever shall it fit my oven?


Crantius Colto

This loaf isn't ready for baking, my sweet. It has yet to rise.


Lifts-Her-Tail

If only we could hurry that along. How would I accomplish such a task?


Crantius Colto

Oh, my foolish little Argonian maid, you must use your hands.


Lifts-Her-Tail

You wish me to knead the loaf? Here?


Crantius Colto

Of course.


Lifts-Her-Tail

But what if the mistress catches me? Your loaf was meant to satisfy her appetite.


Crantius Colto

Don't fret, my delicate flower. I'll satisfy the mistress's cravings later.


Lifts-Her-Tail

Very well, but I'm afraid my oven isn't hot enough. It could take hours!


Crantius Colto

Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.


End of Act VII, Scene II

Trivia

Appearances

Bethsoftblack
This book was taken from The Elder Scrolls series of video games or from websites created and owned by Bethesda Softworks, the copyright of which is held by Bethesda Softworks. All trademarks and registered trademarks present in the image are proprietary to Bethesda Softworks, the inclusion of which implies no affiliation with The Elder Scrolls Wiki. The use of such images is believed to fall under the fair use doctrine of copyright law.
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