Nazeem Legends - Season 20

Since all of this referred to the New Divines having the One Bling, predator hunting down Satanzeem, and Non-Binary Transgender Feminist Pro-Lifer Hipster Millennial Gollum wanting the One Bling for himself, the chaos that the New Divines were trying to prevent ended up spewing into a hunger-games like event, where Satanzeem...

and the others were stripped of all their powers and forced to compete against one another. The roster composed of Nazeem and Satan (who for the sake of the competition were split into their separate selves), Gandalf, Dumbledore, Voldemort, Sauron, Deep-in-His-Cups, the Last Dragonborn, the Predator, and Non-Binary Transgender Feminist Pro-Lifer Hipster Millennial Gollum. This was all organized by Ysolda, who had grown sick of the squabbling of these lesser gods.

Harry Potter then showed up at the scene, and managed to kill Voldemort due to Voldemort having no powers

Gandalf and Dumbledore had a happy family reunion.

And Don't-Drop-The-Soap finally married his true love, Nazeem.

The predator tracked Nazeem to his house intending to fight to the death

but only Soap was home when the predator attacked, as Nazeem was out annoying people

The Pred left a trap for Nazeem using laser mines (AVP Requiem) "NOW YOU WILL DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Satan stumbled into the Drunken Huntsman and set off the trap instead, injuring him almost to death; meanwhile, Sauron used the One Bling to assume defacto leadership of the New Divines, and so Non-Binary Transgender Feminist Pro-Lifer Hipster Millennial Gollum asked to join their ranks after Voldemort's death.

Sauron told Saruman to tell Gollum a message: you need to prove yourself, and destroy Galbatoricks to show your worthiness. Hircine, simultaenously, conferred with the Pred about the "Ultimate Hunt of Nazeem". As it turned out, the Daedra Lord, too, wanted Nazeem dead, because the Pred was contracted by the Dark brotherhood to complete his hunt,

But when everyone was resurrected last volume, Claptrap returned, and killed the entire Brotherhood.

The Pred however was still bound by Hircine to kill Nazeem. And anyway he was doing this for the thrill of the hunt. He started scanning all his vision modes until he found his prey. He also deployed various Deathhounds and the scouts (seen in Predators) to help him.

Ysolda decided to strike them all down as a display of power.

Ysolda sat back and smiled, for she knew that once all had been done, she could watch the sunrise on a grateful Tamriel

Nazeem ended up by pure coincidence running into the Pred in Dead Man's Drink.

• The hunter decided to start off with a verbal assault, but due to his bio-mask being unable to properly decipher and impersonate his previous prey, he could not make his quarry understand him, so neither understood each other.

• As the quarrel intensified, Harry Hart, who had also happened to be there, decided that enough was enough, and went on with his usual mantra 'manners maketh man' and locked the doors, intending to 'teach em all a lesson'.

The resulting bar brawl involved knives, gunshots, broken glass, and lots of broken bones. Once Harry was finished with the hooligans, he sat down to finish his pint and asked Nazeem if he wanted to be part of a private intelligence service.

Nazeem replied by asking Harry whether he came to the cloud district very often

But everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked. Again.

Nazeem was mildly annoyed at this, especially since the Fire Nation didn't get to the Cloud District very often. He simply gave them the cold shoulder.

But they warmed that shoulder up.

but Nazeem put that shoulder in the fridge

But that shoulder got freezer burn.

Then heimskr ate it

He then gained enlightenment!

Nazeem's troubles were not yet over, for Cornelius Evazan and Ponda chose that precise moment to enter DMD. They started harassing him, speaking unintelligible gibberish, until the medical practitioner finally interpreted it to Nazeem:

• "...he never liked you. And as for mee, I never liked you either... Yew just watch yerself, ye bitch-azz muthafucka, Imma nail ye arse. We're wanted men...hee is condemned to life imprisonment, and I... with da deaf penaltee in, like, twelve systems."

Suddenly Heimskr squeezed lemons into nazeems eyes

Nazeem ran around the room in pain, screaming for his mommy.

The Pred started beating him to a bloody pulp. 

But then Nazeem turned the tables on the Predator and started squeezing lemons into his eyes!

He could not however since the pred had his mask on.

Then two giant lemons crushed both of them

But then the lemons caught fire because they were acutally combustible lemons

This burnt down DMD leaving Evazan and Baba badly burnt along with the rest

Then, the Death Star blew up Nirn.

This pissed off Ysolda

Then she died by choking on a cucumber

Suddenly, entropy!

then something random happened that made no sense story-wise

Pennywise joined Nazeem

But Nazeem was the only thing Pennywise truly feared!

Crane, who was with Nazeem, used his fear poison on the clown-thing.

• Oh, they scream and they cry, mark my words...much as YOU are now.
• Oh, he's not faking. At least not THAT guy, I'll talk to the judge...see if we can move 'im to our secure place in Arkham. 

But Arkham was attacked, by Godzilla!

Except it was not godzilla who attacked but who defended it from the MUTO

Who then got attacked by huge swarms of R.A.P.S

Then a huge swarm of P.O.P. followed after the Huge swarm of R.A.P.S

But they were overwelmed by a horde of R.O.U.S's

but then the R.O.U.S`s got overwhelmed by expert terraria players!

This cycle of overwelming continued until the universe ended.

But then the universe got overwhelmed by forrnite streamers...then TES6 became forrnite (my uncle gave me this idea)

Except TimeCube destroyed Fortnite earlier. (I think so . . . was this a few seasons ago?)

(I don't remember) But the SpaceOval was spiteful, and re-created Fortnite.

but then their cousin, the dimensional pyramid, changed Fortnite into TES

And thus, TWO Elder Scrolls universes!

Then MultiverseBlock made TES into Rick and morty

Then Rick and Morty were actually lemons

And thus, Lemon and Younger Lemon.

Lemon accidently murders Younger Lemon

but then B-71-99 comes and fixes M-54-09 ( the Rick and morty from the lemon dimension)

But then a bombardment of missiles wipe them out

The missiles were intercepted by Snake in MGS Peace Walker who was in a missile intercept extra op

But then, Zorgons invaded!

But then, Explosive Pickles rain from the sky blowing stuff up

The rain was counteres by Orbital Defense MAC systems that surrounded the planet

But then, Cortana arrived@

Who accidently disabled the Orbital Defense MAC systems

SUDDENLY Lary the disco wizard and Nazeem

They started singing Everything is awesome

and due to the magic power of their singing, everything in existence became awesome

And then, peace fell over existence, and it was good.

but no good can exist without evil. thankfully, Nazeem was there to fill that role.

John connor who was forcibly turned into a T3000 was sent to hunt Nazeem because the pred failed to accomplish this

Due to the Orbital Defense MAC systems being disabled, A large barrage of explosive onions rains down

The onions were blown up by the laser irradiators mounted on Raiden robots (this is from Virtual On)

Meanwhile, Nazeem bumped into Connor while he was going about his daily routine of pissing off the merchants in the plains district

so he asked Connor whether he came to the cloud district very often

Connor blew his face off with a shotgun while laughing maniacally

And so peace came over the land! THE END

but this peace was short-lived, as Nazeem's soul was still around

Nazeem's soul ended up merging with Connor

They became........ ZeemCon!

this replace "do u get to the cloud district very often" to do you play TES oblivion very often?

But when ZeemCon tried asking random people this, none of them understood what he meant.

SUDDENLY Ureil septum

's ghost appeared and tasked ZeemCon to deliver the Amulet of Kings to Jauffre

He failed due to claptrap annoying him

So he consumed Claptrap's soul.

This separated Nazeem and John Connor and claptrap, who all wanted the Amulet of Kings for themselves for various reasons.

But the King necklace was split into three distinct fragments which were hidden in Saarthal, Folgunthur and Hall of Geirmund

• even if reconstituted, only one person could use the amulet causing them to seek out the Queen and Jack necklaces

SUDDENLY Juaffre

The Queen and Jack amulets, it transpired, were all split in turn into numerous parts concealed within Deep Folk Crossing, Raldbthar,  Mzulft, Arkngthamz, Ruins of Bthalft 

but Ricks from the citadel where at all those places and found them

All the Ricks got killed by the Morty rebellion and the Amulet of Kings was lost.

Connor, Nazeem and claptrap then all went on the amazing race to find the remaining two amulets.

but then the One True Morty came...

And died of alchohol poisoning.

but TOTM is immortal

Connor, Nazeem and claptrp realised that the necklaces were missing from the dwemer ruins

• They went through the ten treasure maps attempting to find them as random loot.

then they found Treasure Trove Rick

Who exploded while hugging Nazeem killing him

Because rick was armed with dawnbreaker, the explosion vaporised nazeem beyond any chance of possible reconstitution and heavily wounded claptrap.

• Johnathan connor ran away due to the bane of the undead effect.

• Then the detonation spawned a spectral dragon priest and also recovered Cts hp (he was wearing konahrik)

Though his body was no more, Nazeem's spirit wandered Nirn, as there was nowhere his soul could find true rest.

Although not a Nord like the Ebony Warrior, he begged somebody to send him to Sovngarde with glory and honour.

While he did this he meet Shadow Morty...who was looking for his body...unaware it had been Burryed years ago...Nazeem knew were it was...

But all was not was it seemed...

But on their way they ran into an Old Orc who was looking for a good death. Nazeem lost and died (somehow), but instead of being sent to Sovngarde, his spirit was sent to the Cloud District

But then, he turned into Nazorro! The hero of Spain!

realising that Spain and the Cloud District were in fact the same thing, Nazorro vowed to defend it with his life

But no one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Except for a squad of communist pickles

suddenly, time was reversed, and spain became the caliphate of cordoba with nazeem as its sultan

But they were invaded by the 189th Crusade!

Nazeem fought bravely and managed to defend Spain from the invaders, but it came at the cost of his right little finger

Nazeem losing his right little finger signaled to all that he was weak and Spain/Cloud District would fall to invaders eventually.

There WAS indeed an incursion on Whiterun carried out by the rebel Stormcloaks on the native Imperials, as per the Battle for Whiterun

But Solitude was taken by the Crusade, and the citizens of Morthal could hear DEUS VULT in the dead of night.

This left Windhelm, the center of Stormcloak influence, as the only neutral city standing while the Imperials and the Crusade decided whether they should assault it, for Ulfric had failed to seize Whiterun

then the (SHIT head) imperial captain wanted a random execution

So the leader of the 189th crusade was executed, causing the pope to excommunicate the Imperial Captain.

He plotted vengrance against the crusade, and in exacting revenge decided to snatch and grab Windhelm.

But Ulfric was having none of this, so he rallied his troops and decided to unleash his secret weapon, which was...

THE KRAGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And all of Skyrim was stuck in place, until....

the Duplo characters told the Lego ones

we have come to destroy you.

but the Lego characters had joined forces with the Imperials

Meanwhile Nazeem had malaria from mosquitos and had to find some malaria pills

thus sent him to THE world of...FAR CRY 2,!!!!!

He cried so much he advanced to Far Cry 76.

but this is not a VIDEO GAME

Thus, Nazeem caught malaria in reality, causing him to perish

also, nobody gave a damn bout him and his thrice-damned cloud district

However the infection responded differently to Nazeem's unique divine physiology. Rather than making him ill, it mutated and instead granted him a new power. That being...

To gain bloody diarrhoea

He bled so much that he finally died of excesive blood loss leaving whiterun in peace

Having died several times now, Skyrim crashed again, and reloaded at its last save.

The player started cursing in an unending fashion thanks to the game design wherein one would need to reload from the last save while in the process a CRAPLOAD of progress would be lost...

• ("...so, zis be saying, we gotta become thane of zhese holdz, n recover ze stones ov barensiah, n retrieve ze dragon priest helmedz, n, ah, grab treazure mapz, get zhe daedric arteefads, zhe shoutz, n dont forget to recruit ezential characterz into bladez, n i wanna have mageecianz as me ztewardz...blah...di yadda ya-di-da...")

Nazeem then was rule of the Cloud District again, and contacted Ysolda to get rid of all mosquitos. Ysolda would do so only if he helped Olfina Grey-Mane become a goddess.

The process to turn Olfina into a goddess involved a brief ritual wherein Nazeem would offer his "Mammoth Tusk" to Ysolda.

What Nazeem failed to realise was the so-called 'mammoth tusk' was actually his penis, with which he would ravage Ysolda in an attempt to create werewolf offspring with her

• where Molag Bal would create vampirism, Nazeem was possessed by Hircine. thus he wanted to date and marry females to bring forth 'lots of little wolf babies'

But Ahlam aint having none of that!

The ritual failed as Ysolda told Nazeem that his mammoth tusk wasn't big enough, which made him...

consult Heimskr for spiritual guidance regarding 'Mammoth Tusks'

Apologies for the excessive length but i wanted an element of humour

Nazeem was told to get a Prince Albert piercing, which he hated at first but later did so grudgingly, to maximise the intensity of pleasure, and compensate for his insufficient size.

• But he also wanted protection, yet due to the piercing a condom was impossible to use.

• he later fucked Ysolda while SHE used a condom but his piercing ripped it apart.

• But he also never realised she had teeth between her legs, which promptly tore off his 'most valuable asset' because of his failure to use a barrier

• (that said, Hircine would be overjoyed at the pregnancy)

(Ft763, I understand that posting on a thread like this can provide a lot of literary stimulation, and I hope this isn't taken the wrong way, but I really think you should find a way to condense your posts to something shorter like the rest of the replies on this thread. This was already mentioned by a few others last season)

Hircine was very pleased at this development, and decided to make Nazeem his champion, gifting him with a respectably-sized mammoth tusk.

so now Nazeem no longer needed to overcompensate for his tiny mammoth tusk by bragging about his wealth

BUT it was a HORKER Tusk

(Alright, there's not reason to argue; this is all in good fun, after all.)
However, since a Horker Tusk is worth less than a mammoth's tusk, all of Skyrim laughed at his hilarity.

Suddenly, The Cyborg Pope showed up, and using his bionic fist, punched Nazeems Mammoth Tusk off.

He bled to death. Again.

Suddenly, A coffee table

That table turned out to the the Dwemer Decipticon known as Cofficon!

Cofficon saved Nazeem and told him to complete the ritual, just give Ysolda a darn mammoth tusk that was not a hidden code for anything. So Nazeem killed a mammoth and presented it to Ysolda. Thus, Olfina Grey-Mane became a goddess and Ysolda granted Nazeem immunity from mosquitos.

and to show Nazeem her satisfaction Olfina said "what cant stand the Site of a strong nord woman?" and Nazeem now understood that "do you get to the cloud district very often" was...

his way of attempting to sexually assault somebody, speaking of which Ysolda was still unsatisfied since she had not experienced true pleasure from intercourse.

,but Nazeem was a virgin so....

He invoked Sanguine and Mephala to help him violate Ysolda

But when Sapphire heard this knowledge she Robbed, burned his farm, and slayed his animals on his farm...then Ysolda was angry at sapphire

Ysolda got a legendary dragonbone warhammer intending to 'do it in sapphire's arse'

But Sapphire was hiding in the rat way cistern

Ysolda stormed the cistern, attempting to find Sapphire. But Esbern wanted to steal the warhammer, and started fighting with Ysolda. She then stumbled upon the Thieves Guild and a three-way battle broke out between all the factions.

Suddenly The DB, the companions, and the riften guard!

Ysolda used her divine powers to remove them all from existence

She then threatened to screw Sapphire's butt with the warhammer

but sapphire started telling her a sob story about her past

then the Dragon Born comes and reveles her/his brother was the leader of the bandits who raped sapphire!!!

She learnt that Sapphire was abused by a mob of bandits who sucked her sexual organs, and she later placed a grenade into each of the men's mouths.

Upon hearing the revelation behind the attack on her farm, Sapphire set out to destroy the Dragonborn by any means. The situation was complicated by the fact that the Dovahkiin was a divine, and much like Vyrthur she could not directly kill a god. So she had an alternative in mind...

(Dude what is up with this rule34 shit?) She called upon Castle Grayskull and became....

a hybrid of werewolf n vampire!

Due to Todd Howard being disturbed by the sexual content, he deleted all of it, and reversed the game to when Olfina became a goddess.

Thus Made Ysolda permanently naked (such as Mjoll is half the time)

The Predalien queen saw her in such a state and was so aroused that it impregnated her with stomach-bursters

But she was divine... *9 months later* she has a God child

The gods wanted to kill her however, since she was essentially an abomination of wolf-vampire ("u r one ugly motherfarker"). They sent Patrick Ross to impregnate her with alien offspring.

After which Nazeem developed a stitch from laughing so hard as Todd's intention was to steer clear fron the sexual content, yet Ysolda always found herself in a sticky situation.

then ysolda took her...I can't remeber out (thing that let's her have kids)

She was being mugged by the Combine

As Ysolda was divine and Nazeem laughed at her, she cursed him. Whenever he laughed, frogs would jump out of his throat.

YOu mean her uterus?

Anyway...

Pyramid Head also decided to fuck Ysolda

but Ysolda had enough of this nonsense and used her powers to make the story about Nazeem again

Weyland -Yutani would have none of this, and Ysolda had been cursed by Molag-Hircine, rendering her powerless to change the story.

• WY abducted Ysolda, attempting to experiment to separate the wolf and vampire genetic material, thus creating their own weapons of mass destruction. 

but Nazeem came to her rescue

But because Hyperdyne was a parody of Cyberdyne, John Connor was teleported into the research facility where Ysolda was held, his sole goal being to neutralise Nazeem. And being a T3000, he was essentially impervious to all kinds of damage, so this would be a suicide quest for Ysolda's knight-hero in shining armour.

Regardless, Nazeem came to Ysolda's rescue, armed with Ebony Armor and his enchanted mammoth tusk as he could not tolerate a fellow god-being being disrespected and violated

Xenomorphs start to invade the facility looking for their queen

The Wiki Gods looked upon the world, and saw it was vile, so they teaned up with the TimeCube and erased every female from the TES universe.

Life died out as no one can repopulate

And so, the world was empty of mortal beings.

which left beerus (look him up if you don't know) staning around wondering WTF happened to hummanity

As Ysolda was a goddess, she couldn't be kidnapped. Thus, the Ysolda held captive was a crafty illusion!

but the real ysolda was in the dead body cleanup cell, alive but...

John Connor had arrived, and this time nothing would stop him, especially since he had the integrated weapons systems that the Terminatrix was armed with.

the dovahkiin (who was partly erased doe to being either male or female) decided to intervene and kill John Connor

His efforts were pathetic and Connor started laughing his arse off, only he could not since he was not fully human

but then a shout of "bending time and space!" came from non other than the time-bending TF2 scout! 

Connor, the dragonborn and the scout all started a battle which was heavily one-sided due to the T3000's superior technological advantages

but the scout's space-time bending summoned merasmus in a cadillac, miss pauling with drugs, the timecube, and all the other interdimensional shapes

The universe then entered a world like Inception where one person thought of a certain dream, a second had a different dream, a third imagined something else and the list went on.

but the antimatter dodecahedron was like, "screw that!" and stopped the inception crap

The AD then bound Connor to an extremely powerful intensive EM field attempting to demolecularise him, but his hold on the machine-phase matter was too strong to destroy.

so he was crushed by the giant american boot! *eagle screech* *gunshots*

He remained unharmed however, due to his nature of being machine-human hybrid.

so miss pauling gave him so many drugs he was forever high, and chained him to the floor thus making the story about nazeem again

Connor was not to be hampered however. He tore off the chains and resumed the pursuit of Nazeem.

but he was so high e went to every single tree to ever exsist and individually one at a time acuse them of being nazeem

Thus Made Nazeem laugh so he started watching "Morning Cloud District News...News in the Cloud District in the morning...pretty self explanatory" this was his favorite show...for 1 reason

which was twerking goats

The whiterun security detail intercepted john and accused him of 'committing unspeakable atrocities against the land of Skyrim and her people'. He responded by massacring them which earned him a bounty of 725,000 bucks. Then the Jarls called on a gang of bounty collector to pursue him

They arrested Connor and Connor spent the rest of his life in prison.

He then died to a toilet

Little did they know that Connor who died in the toilet was in fact a decoy, and, in reality John had used his machine phase abilities to travel through the walls that held him and broke free. He was now on the hunt for the bounty hunter, who happened to be Olfina Gray-Mane.

She was in the Retching Netch, so Connor trekked all of Skyrim but could not find her.

wiki goddess The Beautiful Princess Ashley got tired of Connor, so she wiped him from existence and made the story about Nazeem again

Ashley's tampering with story had strange side effects. Nazeem once again found himself in Whiterun and approached Ysolda in the marketplace, asking her... "Often district get cloud you do to"?