It's time for the eagerly waited 20th season of Nazeem Legends!
Each new addition must be a continuation from the last one.
You must wait for at least one other person to post before adding another piece to the story.
Credits goes to Dark Jeto for original idea, and also HumbleDaedricServant, Ottoman Hold, Anbeegod for the continuation of the prequel, Anbeegod for the starting of the sequel, and Ottoman Hold, The Beautiful Princess Ashley, Master of the Night, GlowingSans, The Crusader of Truth, and The Cat Master for the continuation of the series.
The last season left off with: "Meanwhile, Satanzeem remained blisfully unaware of all this"
Since all of this referred to the New Divines having the One Bling, predator hunting down Satanzeem, and Non-Binary Transgender Feminist Pro-Lifer Hipster Millennial Gollum wanting the One Bling for himself, the chaos that the New Divines were trying to prevent ended up spewing into a hunger-games like event, where Satanzeem...
and the others were stripped of all their powers and forced to compete against one another. The roster composed of Nazeem and Satan (who for the sake of the competition were split into their separate selves), Gandalf, Dumbledore, Voldemort, Sauron, Deep-in-His-Cups, the Last Dragonborn, the Predator, and Non-Binary Transgender Feminist Pro-Lifer Hipster Millennial Gollum. This was all organized by Ysolda, who had grown sick of the squabbling of these lesser gods.
Satan stumbled into the Drunken Huntsman and set off the trap instead, injuring him almost to death; meanwhile, Sauron used the One Bling to assume defacto leadership of the New Divines, and so Non-Binary Transgender Feminist Pro-Lifer Hipster Millennial Gollum asked to join their ranks after Voldemort's death.
Sauron told Saruman to tell Gollum a message: you need to prove yourself, and destroy Galbatoricks to show your worthiness. Hircine, simultaenously, conferred with the Pred about the "Ultimate Hunt of Nazeem". As it turned out, the Daedra Lord, too, wanted Nazeem dead, because the Pred was contracted by the Dark brotherhood to complete his hunt,
The Pred however was still bound by Hircine to kill Nazeem. And anyway he was doing this for the thrill of the hunt.
He started scanning all his vision modes until he found his prey. He also deployed various Deathhounds and the scouts (seen in Predators) to help him.
Nazeem ended up by pure coincidence running into the Pred in Dead Man's Drink.
The hunter decided to start off with a verbal assault, but due to his bio-mask being unable to properly decipher and impersonate his previous prey, he could not make his quarry understand him, so neither understood each other.
As the quarrel intensified, Harry Hart, who had also happened to be there, decided that enough was enough, and went on with his usual mantra 'manners maketh man' and locked the doors, intending to 'teach em all a lesson'.
The resulting bar brawl involved knives, gunshots, broken glass, and lots of broken bones. Once Harry was finished with the hooligans, he sat down to finish his pint and asked Nazeem if he wanted to be part of a private intelligence service.
Nazeem's troubles were not yet over, for Cornelius Evazan and Ponda chose that precise moment to enter DMD. They started harassing him, speaking unintelligible gibberish, until the medical practitioner finally interpreted it to Nazeem:
"...he never liked you. And as for mee, I never liked you either... Yew just watch yerself, ye bitch-azz muthafucka, Imma nail ye arse. We're wanted men...hee is condemned to life imprisonment, and I... with da deaf penaltee in, like, twelve systems."
This left Windhelm, the center of Stormcloak influence, as the only neutral city standing while the Imperials and the Crusade decided whether they should assault it, for Ulfric had failed to seize Whiterun
The player started cursing in an unending fashion thanks to the game design wherein one would need to reload from the last save while in the process a CRAPLOAD of progress would be lost...
("...so, zis be saying, we gotta become thane of zhese holdz, n recover ze stones ov barensiah, n retrieve ze dragon priest helmedz, n, ah, grab treazure mapz, get zhe daedric arteefads, zhe shoutz, n dont forget to recruit ezential characterz into bladez, n i wanna have mageecianz as me ztewardz...blah...di yadda ya-di-da...")
(Ft763, I understand that posting on a thread like this can provide a lot of literary stimulation, and I hope this isn't taken the wrong way, but I really think you should find a way to condense your posts to something shorter like the rest of the replies on this thread. This was already mentioned by a few others last season)
Hircine was very pleased at this development, and decided to make Nazeem his champion, gifting him with a respectably-sized mammoth tusk.
Cofficon saved Nazeem and told him to complete the ritual, just give Ysolda a darn mammoth tusk that was not a hidden code for anything. So Nazeem killed a mammoth and presented it to Ysolda. Thus, Olfina Grey-Mane became a goddess and Ysolda granted Nazeem immunity from mosquitos.
Ysolda stormed the cistern, attempting to find Sapphire. But Esbern wanted to steal the warhammer, and started fighting with Ysolda. She then stumbled upon the Thieves Guild and a three-way battle broke out between all the factions.
Upon hearing the revelation behind the attack on her farm, Sapphire set out to destroy the Dragonborn by any means. The situation was complicated by the fact that the Dovahkiin was a divine, and much like Vyrthur she could not directly kill a god. So she had an alternative in mind...
But because Hyperdyne was a parody of Cyberdyne, John Connor was teleported into the research facility where Ysolda was held, his sole goal being to neutralise Nazeem. And being a T3000, he was essentially impervious to all kinds of damage, so this would be a suicide quest for Ysolda's knight-hero in shining armour.
The whiterun security detail intercepted john and accused him of 'committing unspeakable atrocities against the land of Skyrim and her people'. He responded by massacring them which earned him a bounty of 725,000 bucks. Then the Jarls called on a gang of bounty collector to pursue him
Little did they know that Connor who died in the toilet was in fact a decoy, and, in reality John had used his machine phase abilities to travel through the walls that held him and broke free. He was now on the hunt for the bounty hunter, who happened to be Olfina Gray-Mane.
Ask why she wasn't dead. She replied that she was a goddess and couldn't die, and then questioned his memory skills (This isn't a diss at any of you. I just thought it'd be comedic if Ysolda really said that).
But Ysolda was secretly a firebender, and knew how to bend lightning. She redirected the lightning bolt towards Nazeem in an attempt to jolt his memory (help me find the door, I need to show myself out for that lame pun)
Considering it was Bethesda that released the patch, not only did it not stop Hircine and Bal, but it glitched the story further and turned every citizen of Whiterun into Ysolda, with the exception of Nazeem and Heimskr.
Following Nazeem's failure to fulfill Olfina's ascension to godhood and his assassination attempt on her, the Ysolda army visited Nazeem in his room one night and ravaged him... turning him into a pure blooded vampire lord.